WOW!!!

For the first time ever, our Utah retreat has filled to capacity in less than a week of open registration. I'm super excited about that on one hand because I know I get to spend time with some of the strongest and most amazing women who walk this planet, but sad on the other because it just proves how many of us out there who are living this same crazy life and how desperately needed retreats like this are.

If you are still interested in attending, feel free to email me.  I'll gladly add you to a waiting list and let you know if we have openings that become available later on.

2013 Moms of Trauma Utah Retreat

As parents of kids who look fine on the outside, but suffer from invisible illness on the inside, we walk a lonely, frustrating, and exhausting road.  There are so very few people in this world who understand, or can even wrap their heads around what we live with.  So very, VERY often it feels like we shoulder the burden alone.

Photo Source

But we aren't alone.  There really are people out there, amazing people, who do get it...who don't judge...who have been through the trenches of hell like I have been (some have even been chained up in the dungeon of hell for a season) and lived to tell about it.  Even better, they laugh about it.  They share wisdom about it. And they keep doing it.

Over the past many years that I’ve been walking this walk, I've come to realize that the support, fellowship, friendship, laughter, and tears of other mamas like me are literally manna from heaven.  They are very literally essential to my survival.  These women get me. They have carried me through rough waters. They have made me laugh when I wanted to cry.  They have given me strength when I’ve had none left, and they’ve helped stitched my shattered heart back together. They love me in spite of myself.  They cheer me on and pick me up when I can’t walk any further on my own.  Sometimes they give me a swift kick in the rear in the process, too.  No matter what, they have my back and I have theirs, and we all know it.  I have been richly blessed to be able to meet many of these beautiful people in person now.  They no longer just live in my computer screen.  I am so very, very grateful to have so many of these women in my life. 

Unfortunately for many (especially for a lot of us over here in the west) it’s not always feasible both time wise and/or financially to go to Florida to find that in person support we all so desperately need.  It was a treat for me to be able to do it this year.  It was a gift for me.  It was an experience I needed for me and one I will always treasure.  Unfortunately, I also know it won’t be an every year thing for me. In fact, I’m not sure when or if it will ever happen again for me. And I’m ok with that.

It is, however, exactly why I started doing retreats here in Utah.  The reasons I started doing them several years ago are the same reasons they continue to happen here year after year.  I’m still walking this crazy walk and I still need what these retreats offer. I still need the in person interaction, and I still need all my beautiful people that are here on this side of the country just as much as I still need my loves on the other side of the country.   Given that I was point blank told by one of my western mamas that “If there is anything good and kind left in this world, there WILL be a retreat in Utah this year!” I’m pretty sure there are still many others who also need a retreat in this area as well.  It’s also quite possible that some of you need more than one retreat a year and need to come to both Utah and Florida! :-) That would be super awesome!

This year will be the 4th retreat we’ve held here in the west.  Each one has been a little different, and this year will be no exception.  Each year we learn a little more about what makes them work, what our people really want out of them, and we try to plan our group activities around the current needs and interests of those attending.  That’s one of the best things about small retreats, too.  We have the flexibility to be able to do that.

 

­We are a much smaller and more relaxed affair than the big spring retreat in Florida (which is a super awesome group too…and just in case you’re wondering, they’ll be starting registration for next year’s retreat very soon, too.)  Here in Utah, we all stay in the same place.  We’ve tried having different houses here in the past.  By unanimous vote, we all like the one big house option better. It gives us get a chance to really get know each other and make stronger connections with each other.  Our main areas of focus here in Utah are R&R, offering support where and how it’s needed, pampering, building friendships, taking care of ourselves, and having as much fun as possible in the process.

Here’s what we’re planning for this year:

Retreat Dates:

September 18-22, 2013

This is one of several changes we’ll be making to our Utah retreat this year.  In the past, we’ve held our retreat in the spring.  For many different reasons, the Utah retreats will now be held in the fall.  September is a wonderful time of year in these parts, too.  The kids are all settled nicely back in school, the weather is still warm, but not hot, the leaves will be starting to change color up in the mountains, and the weather is generally a little more predictable than it is in the spring.

I’ve also added an extra day to the front end of our retreat this year.  Something that many have asked for in the past is a day to come and explore our great state of Utah,  have some time to unwind, and be able to do whatever they feel like doing before we formally start the retreat.  I took the opportunity to do this when I went to Florida last month and I truly loved it.  It was worth every second!  So, our first day, the 18th, is simply just a come and enjoy (with a tour guide if you want) and basically do whatever it is you feel like doing and still have a place to crash that night.

Another thing our moms have specifically requested is that they come and play and have tons of fun during the week, but that they’re back home and ready to resume real life on Monday morning.   As such, just as we’ve done for as long as we’ve been doing these retreats, we run our formal retreat from Thursday – Sunday morning.  That leaves people plenty of time to travel back home that day and be able to jump back into real life at the start of the new week.

Location:  

Park City, Utah

We have lined up what I personally believe will be our best location and venue yet…and it’s our best by a long shot, too!  We will be staying in a very large and very nicely appointed rustic log cabin nestled up in mountains of Park City, Utah.  You can see pictures of it here.  There’s plenty of room to spread out and relax, and yet we’re all still close enough to be cozy.  We will be using both the main cabin and the adjacent bunk house for lodging. During our stay, we have access to the game room(s), a fabulous media room, and a large, private hot tub where we can sit and soak our cares away any time of the day or night we choose…as long as we don’t disturb those who are trying to sleep, that is.  The lodge owner tells me it’s not uncommon to see deer, moose, elk, and other wildlife wandering around the hills while you’re in the hot tub.  Don’t worry, though, as long as you leave them alone, they keep their distance.

Park City is also home to many of the Olympic training venues.  There are all kinds of neat things to do there, too.  Some of those possible activities including some super fun zip lines, watching the athletes train, and if you’re feeling really brave and rich, you can even take an actual bobsled run down the luge track.  There is also shopping galore, all kinds of quaint shops, galleries, and bistros on Main Street, hiking/walking/biking trails that don’t end, and all the amenities of a moderate sized city funded by luxury resorts.  In a nutshell, it’s pretty much got a little bit of everything and something for everyone.

Park City is located approximately 25 minutes east of Salt Lake City and is about 35 minutes from the Salt Lake International airport (SLC).

Cost:  

We really try to keep the cost down and keep this retreat as affordable as possible in order for as many people as we can fit in the place to be able to come.  We have a couple of different options to choose from this year.

$200:  Shared room.  Each shared room will have 2 or 3 people in them.  Most are furnished with one queen bed and a set of bunk beds.  However, there is one room that has just a set of bunks, and another that has two queens.  All shared room spots will be filled on a first come, first serve basis.  If you’re willing to take the top bunk, I’ll knock a little off the price for you as an incentive.  Register early if you want one of the queens.  I’m sure those are the spots that will go first.  And finally, yes…if you have a buddy or two you want to share a room with, you may request to be roommates.  I promise to do what I can to accommodate those requests.

$250:  A private room with either a king or queen sized bed.  These rooms do not have adjoining baths, but there is a large, full bathroom on each level of the house and a half bath in the adjacent bunk house. If you want to share one of these rooms/beds with a good friend, you may do so and split the cost (as long as you request to do so. Otherwise, it’s your own private room.) 

Included in this cost is lodging for all four days (use it or lose it), food (except if we go out to a restaurant for one meal, which we’ve usually done in the past), miscellaneous retreat expenses, a couple of fun things we’ve never done before, and hopefully a ride to and from the airport.  We’ve never had anyone have to rent a car yet, but I can’t promise there won’t be a first.  We do have quite a few moms who live reasonably close to the airport, or at least have to pass by there in order to get anywhere, so we’ve usually been able to find rides for everyone.

Registration: 

Step 1:  Complete this registration form.

Step 2:  A deposit of $100 is due upon registration in order to reserve your spot.  The easiest way to send this payment is through PayPal (fromsurvivaltoserenity@gmail.com). You can also send me a check if you’d rather pay that way. If you can’t swing that much of a deposit right away, but still really, really want to come, please let me know so I can work out a payment plan for you.  The final balance will be due by August 1, 2013. 

Please note that all payments are NON-REFUNDABLE.  I have already had to shell out a pretty significant amount of money out of pocket in order to reserve our venue.  My own account needs to be reimbursed as soon as possible.  Plus, I don’t want to have to turn anyone away or leave beds empty because people pull out at the last minute…and nor do I want to end up getting get stuck with the bill when it’s all said and done.  So, in the off chance that something really does come up and you need to pull out, we will still love you anyway and I will do all I can to resell your spot and get your money back to you.  Keeping the costs low for everyone means there’s not much wiggle room in the budget to cover refunds, though.

If you have any questions or need to make special arrangements or whatever, feel free to email me at fromsurvivaltoserenity@gmail.com.

Hope to see you this fall!!

Mandalas

As many of you know, I'm a big fan of having all kinds of therapeutic tools available at home so they can be used in a way that works for our family and we can use them when we need them.  I hunt for them. I study them. I learn to use them and adapt them to suit our needs. And, I share them.

I'll be honest as to why that is, too.  We spent 4 years in formal therapy.  We learned a lot and gained many tools during that time.  I'm grateful for that time, too.  However, for at least the last 2 years of that therapy, my kids would do great while they were there, but were a MESS for the next 3 days after. Of course, by then it would be time for another kid to have their appointment, and they'd be crazy for the next 3 days after, and then they'd feed on each other.  By the time both kids were back on the planet and starting to calm down again, it was time for the first one to have another appointment...and the cycle started all over again...and I was the one left to clean up the mess.

We also got to the point where we'd also tapped out our therapists.  Our kids level of need was beyond their skill level.  That was NOT comforting at all.  If they didn't know what to do, how was I supposed to??

And then I realized something pretty cool.  With the help of our best therapist, I realized that a lot of the the stuff they were doing in therapy could and SHOULD be done at home.  Why?  Because this therapist point blank told me that I'm the best therapist my kids will ever have and it's her job to teach me how to be just that...and also because she also knows that kids don't get better by seeing a therapist for 1 hour a week.

How grateful I am that she did, too.  First of all, without her, I wouldn't know what I know now.  Even more importantly, though, at the time she did it, we had no intention of moving.  When we did move, though, we quickly discovered that there were slim to no suitable resources in our new location.  If anyone was going to be able to help my kids, it was going to have to be me.

Out of sheer necessity, and also because I got pretty tired of cleaning up the messes left behind by formal therapy and under qualified therapists,  I rolled up my sleeves and I went to work.  I started researching.  I started studying, and I started learning.  We started adapting all those tools and concepts we'd learned in therapy to stuff that works for us at home.

My kids started settling down right away.  It didn't take long to realize they were actually making MORE progress without therapy than they were with it, too.  Everyone was less stressed, we weren't constantly on the run, we had more time to spend together, and we were now using all those great tools we'd learned over the years on their terms.  I still have my own therapist that I'm not seeing regularly anymore, but is still on call when I need her (and I'm not afraid to call if I do), and we still have a kid therapist that we call in emergency situations that we consider part of our team, and we're super glad we have her on our team, too.  But, we're even more thankful that those situations we need her for are few and far between now.  Gratefully, she's the kind of person that knows that if she gets a call from me, that it means I need help, I need it now, and you'd better ask how high to jump on the way up.  And she does it. And I love her for it!

Anyway, that's the long intro into the healing tool I really want to write about today.  The Mandala. This is a fun, simple, dirt cheap, readily available, and engaging tool for everyone in the family.  My kids love them, my husband has gotten into the groove, and I'll be the first to tell you, they have saved this mamas sanity on way more than one occasion.

Image Source

So what is a mandala?  Traditionally speaking, a mandala is a symbolic diagrams used in Tantric Hinduism and Buddhism.  I'm not super familiar with either of these religions, so if you are please forgive me if  you are and I miss the mark on what they really represent.  From what I understand about them, though, they are tools used to guide individuals on their path to finding wisdom, wholeness, enlightenment, healing, and deity.  By actively engaging wiht the mandala, one is guided through the process of disintegrating and disconnecting from the negative and painful that binds us, and then rebuilding one's connection to universe through centering, focusing, healing, and finding peace and light. 

The word "mandala" comes from the ancient Indian language of Sanskrit.  Loosely interpreted, it means "circle".  A mandala is more than a single, simple geometric shape, though.  It is a complex, integrated, tightly balanced and compact design that is contained inside a geometric shape, most generally a circle.  The most traditional and the most highly symbolic ones are also organized around one central point - the point in which all the rest of the design radiates from. Being the spiritual person that I am, these always seem to be the ones I'm drawn to. 

Even though mandalas are highly complex, they are also not meant to be permanent.  As such, they are generally made of paper, painted on cloth, or even drawn in the sand.  They are meant to purify and heal and aid in the process of releasing negative energy and channeling and collecting positive energy. And then they are meant to be shared so those same healing blessings can come to others.

Something really neat that I learned when researching to write this post is that sand mandalas in particular, are thought to transmit positive energies into the environment, the universe, and directly to the people who view them.  They are laboriously constructed by Buddhist monks who chant and meditate as they're constructing it in order to invoke the divine powers of the deities that they believe reside within the mandala.  They carefully place each grain of sand according to their deign.  The mandala is then consecrated and the monks petition the deities for healing blessings to be upon it. And then it is swept up and released into the waters of the sea where the blessings of their mandala can be dispersed to the world and shared by all.

Regardless of whether you're a spiritual person or not, what I really love about the modern mandala, such as the one above, is their highly practical nature. They are basically a grown up version of a coloring book. Regardless of the deign you choose, slowing down enough to focus and color them and let them take on a life of their own in the process is extremely calming, centering, and healing.  That makes them VERY good for us mamas who aren't always very good at taking care of ourselves and also tend to have limited ability to "get out" and do something, which is most people's version of taking a break and taking care of ourselves.  It also makes them fabulous for our kids, most of whom still instinctively like to color (yes, even my very ADHD kids will sit and do them long enough to finish them)...and they have no idea they're actually doing something healthy, healing, and therapeutic in the process!

There are also literally hundreds of different designs readily and freely available online. Some are square, some are rectangle or diamond shape, and most of them...and the the ones I still like best...are circles. Regardless of which ones you choose, though, they are there to be found, printed, meticulously colored, and used to help channel healing.

All you have to do to find them is do an internet search for "mandala color" or something like it and you'll find all sorts of options. Here's another neat trick.  Try different variations of that search phrase.  Different variations bring up different results.  Don't let the fact that many of them are found on kid's coloring pages scare you away. Just look for the advanced or expert ones and they're suitable for even the most skeptical and stuffy adults.  You can also find gazillions of them just by doing an image search for them.  Most of them can be easily downloaded and printed right from the image search. Or, if you prefer, there's always a link to take you to the page where they can be printed from.

I personally like to print off a whole bunch of them at a time.  When I find one I like, I print a few copies.  I keep them in a binder with a bunch of my other healing tools and documentation. That way when we're ready to do them, we just go to the binder, find one that's already printed that suits our fancy, and start coloring.

The only tools you need to complete the project are colored pencils and a pencil sharpener.  I've tried doing them with both crayon and markers, but I have a hard time getting into all the intricate little spaces with anything but a pencil. Even the really thin markers are too thick and I didn't like how they bleed.  For me, personally, I also don't like the intensity and uniform color of markers.  However, markers are all one of my kids uses.  The very thing I don't like about them for me is exactly what he needs to be able to have the project work for him.  He's also not as concerned as I am about getting into the smaller spaces. :-)  He just wants to color and finish it.

My only caution I'd give in choosing a design is that there's such a thing as too simple, and there's also such a thing as too complex. Which is which depends on you and/or on your child.  Generally speaking, the designs should be complex for the developmental level, but not so complex that the spaces are so tiny you can't fill them in with your own expression (or that your eyes go buggy trying to see the spaces!) Nor should they be as elementary or easy or have as much open space as a typical child's coloring book does...even for your kids.  The one I posted above is just about right for most teens and adults.  Anything more will be too complex and hard to see, let alone work with.  Anything less will be too easy...though there's some that "look" easy, but really end up being quite intricate when they're finished.

Now yes, for the more knowledgeable of you out there, I know there's all kinds of psych babble and schools of philosophical thought behind doing these. I know they're frequently used as part of formal art therapy. Whatever. I figure that a lot of these designs are found on sights geared to kids.  There's a reason for that.  It doesn't mean they're just for kids.  It means that it's ok, no matter how old we are, to let the inner kid in all of us have the freedom to enjoy using them without having to analyze or process them.

So, as far as I'm concerned, there are no rules.  Start where you want, color them however you want, use whatever colors you want, take as long as you want on them, finish in one sitting, or finish in many.  Just don't over think them.  And yes, it IS even quite acceptable to get started on it, scribble all over the face of it with black marker, write the words "This is ******!!!" all over it and rip it up and throw it away if you want.  If that's the mandala's purpose in your life, then it served you well.  Just don't forget to start another one later on when you're ready.

I've recently been asked by a couple of people, though, what do you do with the designs when they're finally finished?  Personally, I like to keep them.  I like to put the date on them and then make some notes on the back of them about what I was thinking about, what was going on in my life, what emotions I was feeling as I was doing it, etc.  Then I stick them in the binder and just let them be. I usually just put the newest one on top of the stack and move on with life. 

I have a tabbed binder where I keep all kinds of documentation.  There's a tab for each person in our family.  I just add them to that person's tab.  It's quite interesting to go back and look at them later on, especially when you have a few of them in there.  It's neat to see how they change over time, how much they really do end up reflecting what you were thinking about and processing, and how much healing has really happened in your life and is being reflected through them.

They're also fun to share!  Below are a couple of them I've done recently.  One of them was done using the design I posted above.  Don't worry if your don't look like mine, either.  None of them will turn out the same.  Even when my kids use the same template I do, they all still end up looking VERY different when we're done.  And that's a beautiful thing.  If you're interested in giving the mandala a try, you're welcome to share your finished masterpieces on my Facebook page.  I'd love to see them..even the dark, scary, angry, or gray ones! Just as I didn't share what was behind these, you don't have to share what lies behind yours. If you happen to find a neat design, please also feel free to share where you found it so others can find it, too.

Defeating El Guapo

My husband finally convinced me that I really did finally need to see the movie “The Three Amigos” the other day.  Nope.  I’d never seen it before that.  I confess...I've never had the desire to see it. I’m pretty sure the only reason I finally gave in was because my husband kept quoting it over and over and over again until I finally caved. 

Ok, I admit it.  It’s a stupidly funny movie.  It's good, brainless escape style entertainment when you need some stupid funny in your life. But, as we got to the end of the movie, there is also a scene in it that made me think of all my friends out there deep in the trenches of doing hard stuff.  Even though on the surface this clip is very much a dose of emergency comic relief, there is still an underlying element of sincere encouragement that goes with it.

And so, my friends, this is for all of you who are struggling to deal with whatever life has thrown at you, but determined not to give up. May you all find a little laughter, the ability to look at life a little differently, and your own little thing...whatever that little thing may be…that will help you defeat your own El Guapo.

My only sadness about this clip is that it cuts off right before the real El Guapo commends them on their good trick and then kicks over and is finished for good. The moral of the story is still there, though.  Keep up the good fight, my friends. You're stronger and smarter than any El Guapo out there!

Let's Do Lunch!

I've had several people ask me recently if I'm still doing webinars.  The answer is maybe...kind of...but not right now, at least not formally like I was doing them.  They have served the purpose for me personally that they needed to in order to support and facilitate my own healing and regrouping process, so I'm not sure where they'll end up long term.

What I do miss about them, though, and what has always been my favorite part of them, is being able to chat face to face with wonderful, inspiring, amazing people in a safe environment.  As such, I'm going to try to keep some less formal, less frequent video chat sessions going.

I'm calling them "Let's do lunch!"  Isn't that what so many of us miss?  Being able to go out to lunch with girlfriends and just talk...especially with people who get what we're living?  I know it is for me.  So, I'm providing forum where I can "have lunch" with a few of my friends at least once a month via the miracle of technology.

We'll meet via video web meeting just as we were doing with the previous webinars.  It is more fun if everyone has a camera and can see each other's faces but it's not necessary.  It might be lunch time in your area, it might be right after the kids go to school, or it might be mid morning. Bring a sack lunch if you want...or don't.  Either is fine, though I usually don't.  This really is just an opportunity to get together and chat face to face, which is usually the best part of going out to lunch with girlfriends anyway.  I've actually been doing them sporadically and by invitation for a few months now, but I'd like to make them available to a few more people this time around.

There's no charge to join us for "lunch", but you will need to still register if you want to come.  That way we can make sure the chat groups stay small enough to be manageable and safe for everyone.  As such, the registration is limited to 5. It will be first come, first serve. So, register quick if you want to come.  And, if you end up not being able to make it after you've already registered, please let me know so others can join and we don't end up with empty unused spots and other people wanting to get in.  Please also let me know if you want to come, but find the session is already full.

Let's Do Lunch!
Video chat session
Wednesday, March 27
10:00 a.m. Mountain Time
Click here to register

The starter discussion topic for this session will be one that I, and a lot of other moms I know are interested in and struggling with right now.  It will be "Taking Care of Me!"

Where Have I Been?

It's been awhile since I've written!  My, how time flies when we're...well...busy living life and not just writing about it.

First of all, I've granted myself a much more slow, laid back, and quiet pace of life and have kept myself living the lessons I've learned over the past few months.

1. Being too busy is never a good thing.  Neither is being too stressed out...and the two almost always go hand in hand.  Rather than running faster to try to keep up, it's always best to slow down and let stuff go.  Sometimes even good stuff needs to go.  Too much of a good thing really ins't a good thing.  It can quickly turn sour if not kept in check. 

2. Sometimes when dreams are fulfilled, the real gift comes in realizing what you don't want to do with your life rather than what you do.  Sometimes the real gift is being able to embrace what is in the present, who you've become as a result of the journey, and being able to let go of the old stuff and move on with the new. 

3. Boundaries are a good thing.  Boundaries are a VERY good thing.  They provide structure and safety without shutting people out.  Those who are willing to respect them are welcome in my life.  Those who aren't are welcome to find someone else to pick on, but they'll only be observing my life from a distance...if they even choose to stay involved at that level. 

4.  Healing is a wonderful gift.  It is also a fragile gift.  Seek it. Crave it.  Put the work in that is required to obtain it...and then treat it as a treasured pearl once you do find it.

5. Keep up on what is most important.  It will bite you in the rear otherwise.  And so I'm blogging today instead of doing what I really need to be doing.  Meh...so I'm still learning about some of life's lessons and I'm still very human.  Blogging just happens to be more fun...and it's filling a piece of me that's been neglected for a little while.  So, it's all good.

The second big thing I've done recently was FINALLY join so many of my friends that I've only known online for a long time in person in Orlando. Wow. What a wonderful blessing that was!  Thank you again for all who made it possible for me to be there!  It was such a gift...a gift that didn't have any hidden meanings...to meet all of you in person.  The gift of friendship and support and love truly is amazing.  I would have caved a long time ago without so many of you who walk this crazy journey with me.

I honestly didn't expect to be as well known as I was, though.  It was more than a little overwhelming at first to meet so many of you and have you know me (at least the me I used to be), but I wasn't sure who you were.  Thanks to some truly amazing and inspiring real live Wonder Women, princesses, "bitches", and super heros who will forever be part of my heart (and a hot pink super hero cape) I found my courage to come out of my shell and love you in person...and let you love me in return.  What was really fun was realizing that with the exception of only a couple of surprises, most of you were exactly the same in person as you are online and we picked up those friendships we've build right where we left off.

This last one is my very favorite picture from the whole weekend, though. I shamelessly stole it from my sweet friend, Gala.  She calls it "Footprints in the Sand...Friendships in the Sand"  That's what it's really all about.  It's why I continue to do what I do, too. It is a precious reminder that I don't walk this journey alone and I've been blessed to find some the most incredible people anyone could ever hope to meet as a result of the experience.  I am enough, we are enough, and what we do really is enough!

There's room for you in this circle of love, too.  The event and organization have changed hands, now, and has been renamed BeTA - Beyond Trauma and Attachment.  You can come join this amazing group of support by visiting the Facebook page, the BeTA website where you'll find links and information on joining the new private facebook groups (including one for moms, one for dads, and one for siblings), and BeTA blog that is filled with lots of amazing mom guest bloggers, including me :-).

Life Lessons – Vol. 2

Life has been rather interesting on my part of the planet lately.  Nothing really earth shattering or bad, really.  But, it has seen fit to teach me more than a few poignant lesson.  Some have been tough.  Some have warranted some serious course corrections in my life. Some have spoken to my heart, and others I didn’t even realize were lessons I needed until after they were taught.   All of them, however, are worth sharing.  This one is the second of, well, I have no idea how many.

In my first post, I spoke of the lesson taught by my glasses and how important it is to make sure we’re seeing life through clear lenses that have the correct prescription in them.  Today’s lesson comes from one of the greatest twisted sermons on navigating life that has ever been preached…and one that was preached in the form of one of the most well known and most recognized songs performed by one of the most recognizable performers of all time.

Lesson #2:  The Gambler

On a warm summer's evenin' on a train bound for nowhere,
I met up with the gambler; we were both too tired to sleep.
So we took turns a starin' out the window at the darkness
'Til boredom overtook us, and he began to speak.

Have you ever been on a train bound for nowhere?  Most trains are going somewhere.  They might be bullet trains, or freight trains, or old steam trains.  They might even be train rides from hell as was depicted in the movie “Polar Express”.  They might move slowly.  They might make frequent stops. They might encounter a switch or two and you might find yourself heading for a different destination than you originally planned.  But they’re all still heading somewhere and they’ll get there eventually.

I’ve been on a train to nowhere.  In fact, I’ve been on one quite recently.  It’s a train ride that seemingly has no end, no clear destination, the purpose becomes lost in the details of the ride, and it isn’t leading anywhere fulfilling or productive.  It’s that moment when you realize that no matter what train you’re on, who you’re on it with, or why you originally got on it, if it’s not working for you, you’re on the wrong train…and it’s now a train to nowhere.  The longer you stay on it, the more it’s going to continue to suck the life out of you and leave you with nothing as you head closer and closer to nowhere.

Train rides to nowhere are really interesting, though.  Not everyone on that train with you is on a train to nowhere.   That passenger sitting right beside you may well be on the train that right for them and heading in the exact direction they planned.  It can be really easy in those times to become the drifter and lose our way.  It can be really easy to forget why it was we’re on this train and what we’re supposed to be doing there.  It can also cause us to doubt ourselves, our purpose, and our own worth.  It’s so easy to look at those passengers sitting beside us and wonder “Why is this working so well for them, but leaving me so empty?  How did I get myself into this?  This isn’t what I signed up for.  What is wrong with me?  What are they doing that I’m not?” 

There could be a million reasons why the train you’re on is a train to somewhere for one and a train to nowhere for you.  Maybe they’re faking it.  Maybe they’ve been blinded and can’t see what down the tracks as well as you can.  Maybe they really don’t know where they’re heading any more than you do. Or, maybe they really are on the train that's right for them...especially if they're holding different cards than you are.

The most important thing to remember about a train bound for nowhere is that it doesn’t have to stay bound for nowhere.  All trains bound for nowhere still have an engineer.  Always.  So very, very often the train is bound for nowhere because the engineer, for whatever reasons, forgot who they are and became the passenger and drifter instead of the one driving the train.

He said, "Son, I've made my life out of readin' people's faces,
And knowin' what their cards were by the way they held their eyes.
So if you don't mind my sayin', I can see you're out of aces.
For a taste of your whiskey I'll give you some advice."

Especially this past decade, I’ve found myself on more than one train bound for nowhere.  Life has taken so many different twists and turns we never planned.  It has beat me up, kicked me in the tail, and left me doubled over in pain all alone in the crowded streets.  So very many times, I’ve felt like nothing more than an empty drifter with most of the life sucked out of me. 

Oh, sure, I had most everyone around me fooled. Sometimes I’ve even fooled many of you.  Somewhere along the way, I suppose The Great Dealer must have given me a gift for sharing aces. I’ve noticed over the years that many a fellow gambler have visited my table looking for them. Sometimes I've had them to share.  Sometimes they’ve found them. Sometimes they haven’t.  Most gamblers come, and most of them go. 

The ones who’ve stuck around and sat beside me long enough, though, have seen who I really am. I’m just another gambler playing the same game they are. A few, though, have read between the lines and seen when I've been all out of aces and have given me some of theirs. I have a great deal of gratitude and love for those of you who’ve shared your aces with me when I needed them most.  I think that's really why God didn't put each of us here on deserted islands.  He intended for us to help each other through the game...and to collectively win it.

Another gift I’ve realized over the years is the ability to read what people’s cards are by the way they hold their eyes.  The eyes are the window to the soul.  They never lie.  If you watch them closely enough, they’ll always tell you what other people are thinking, feeling, what they’ve been through, and how well they’ve weathered the storms.  They’ll speak of joy, of pain, of triumph, and success, failure, peace, contentment, truth, and misguided lies or evil intentions.

Look in the mirror.  There’s a pretty good chance you’ll  find your own story written in your own eyes. They’ll speak your pain, they’ll plead for answers.  They’ll carry your contentment and level of inner peace.  They will also either reflect His light or a mist of hollow emptiness.  Maybe you’re in a place where you’ve got aces to share. It will show in your eyes.  Maybe you’re a drifter who’s been out of aces for a pretty long time.  Perhaps you’re living on borrowed time or maybe hiding a royal flush.  All of that will show, too. 

So I handed him my bottle and he drank down my last swallow.
Then he bummed a cigarette and asked me for a light.
And the night got deathly quiet, and his face lost all expression.
Said, "If you're gonna play the game, boy, ya gotta learn to play it right.

You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em,
Know when to walk away and know when to run.
You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table.
There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealin's done.

Reality is that no matter how you play it, life is the biggest gamble you’ll ever undertake.  It is full of ups and downs and all kinds of choices.  In fact, it’s all about choices…and none of them ever come with any guarantees.  Even when it’s played right, we’re going to win some, we’re going to lose some, and we’re all going to make mistakes.  

There are also going to be times in life when playing it right means we need to make course corrections…sometimes significant ones.  There are times we need to remind that drifter who seems to have run all out of aces that he/she is really still the engineer.  Unless they get back in the engine room and start driving the train again, no matter how scary, hard, or overwhelming it is, the train is going to continue on its crash-course bound for nowhere. 

There are also times when we are going to have to take a good, hard look at the train we’re on and compare it with the hand we’ve been dealt.  As was the case with what I’ve recently experienced, sometimes things start out with great intentions and look like they’re going to be a very good thing…but they don’t end up staying that way.  Even the best intentioned and best envisioned things are subject to change.  After all, they are the product of hundreds of smaller choices made along the way…each of them adding to, subtracting from, or having power to significantly change the intended outcome.

There are other times when we’re dealt a joker that can change everything we thought we were working for.  It might even change everything about who we are and what we stand for!  Regardless of what brings on the need, if we find ourselves in a situation that isn’t working and we feel like we’re on an unhealthy train bound for nowhere, it’s time to made an active decision regarding the direction we're heading.  It's time to decide whether to hold ‘em, fold ‘em, or walk away.  Sometimes the decisions are so clear and so obvious and that continuing in the current direction we're heading is so unhealthy and there is so very little chance anything good will come from them that the best thing we can do is just put those cards down, get off that train, and run the other direction.

In my recent experience, the good thing I’d been involved with became very demanding.  What was supposed to be a few hours a week quickly became a full time job + with no pay.  It became mired in contention, lack of appreciation, unwillingness to consider other viewpoints, and a SIGNFICANT lack of appropriate communication.  It was no longer fun.  It was no longer fulfilling.  It became more frustrating and more stressful with each passing day.  I could see what was coming down the track and realized it ultimately wasn’t something I wanted to be involved with or wanted my name on. The stress of all of it also started triggering all kinds of old stuff that I’ve worked so stinking hard to overcome, put into perspective, and heal.  I didn't like who it was turning me into...or back into. 
The big, knotty ball of stress and anxiety that constantly sat on my chest in earlier years came right back, too. My kids started acting out again, my husband and I started going at each other again, my blood sugar wasn’t stable, my hormones were all thrown out of balance, depression started coming back and I could clearly see this good thing I had started with was actually TOXIC for me. 
I tried to hang on by cutting back and changing my involvement.  That wasn’t enough.  In my case, I not only had to fold ‘em and walk away, but I also had to completely change trains.  I reminded my inner drifter that I’m still the engineer, but this wasn't the train I needed to be driving.  And so the emergency brake was pulled, the train stopped long enough for me to get off, and I wished it well and waved it goodbye as it sped on down the tracks without me.  And then caught the next train heading back to serenity.

Now ev'ry gambler knows that the secret to survivin'
Is knowin' what to throw away and knowing what to keep.
'Cause ev'ry hand's a winner and ev'ry hand's a loser,
And the best that you can hope for is to die in your sleep."

I think these are the most poignant phrases in this whole twisted sermon.  Anyone who’s ever played cards knows that not all high cards are winners…and not all low cards are losers.  The secret to surviving in any game, be it cards or be it life, is knowing what to keep and what to throw away.  It’s really not about what cards are in your hand or even what you're dealt.  It’s about how you play them, when you play them, who you play them with, and the order you play them in that makes the difference between winning and losing.  I’ve sluffed plenty of kings and aces, and even a joker or two in my time in order to survive.  I’ve also won many a hand with a lowly 3 of hearts (sometimes whether I wanted to or not!)

Knowing what to keep and what to throw away isn't always easy to figure out. Not everything is as it seems on the surface. At the end of the day, though, it’s about preserving and protecting and holding on for dear life to that which you hold most dear…and then getting rid of anything that stands in the way of those things. 

The weeding process can be an agonizing and extremely painful process.  Sometimes it means fighting through hard things, taking risks that are scary, allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, swallowing pride, or forgiving the unforgivable. It might mean standing up and making some relationship changes.  It might mean putting very strong boundaries in place in order to preserve relationships. It might mean letting go of good things you really want (and maybe even need and love) in order to preserve, protect, and defend something better. It might mean making or changing some major life decisions.  It might mean some course corrections are needed.  It might mean fixing mistakes.  It might mean a job needs to go in favor of a parent staying home and helping a child heal. It might mean going without some luxuries in order to gain the essentials.  It might mean challenging and perhaps changing one’s own belief systems.  It might mean learning to love and trust after being hurt.  It could also mean giving up some very good and very needed things for yourself in order to make the family system work.  Perhaps it's not even dramatic changes that are needed.  Maybe it could even be as simple as spending less time in an electronic world and more time with the people around us in real life...or spending more time with the Word instead of the world.

No matter how good something has the potential to be, and might become, because of the cards I choose to hold onto for dear life (my health, my family, my marriage, my faith, my sanity, and my sense of serenity) I could clearly see that no matter how much I wanted what I was doing to work, and no matter how satisfying or enticing it might have been in the beginning, I wasn’t the right engineer for the train I was on. I wasn’t where I needed to be in order make those things I hold most dear still work and still maintain any shred of sanity or serenity in the process. 
That being said, getting off that train wasn’t as hard of a decision as it may sound. Once I realized how very unhealthy that train was for me and what it was doing to my family, it was pretty easy to pull the brake and get off.  There really weren't any other options that didn't require the sacrifice of all I hold dear.  However, getting back on track with more healthy things has proven to be quite a bit harder than getting off the toxic train ever was.  Once those habits slide, they don't just come back.  But, I'm working on it.

There’s also a reason this lesson of knowing what to throw away and what to keep is lesson 2 and not lesson one, though.  It's all a matter of priorities, and a matter of deciding what is ultimately most important.  They are decisions that each of us can only  make for ourselves. Of course, I also always recommend consulting with The Dealer before you throw away the cards He's given you to play...but that's a whole different post for a different day.  What it really comes down to is no matter what decisions you make, or what cards you choose to keep or throw away, just make sure you’re looking at all your cards through very clear and very clean lenses when you do it. If you’re looking through faulty lenses, or lenses with an incorrect prescription the chances of throwing away the wrong cards, especially in times of great stress or desperation, increases exponentially.  That will only drive you deeper into the land of nowhere and leave you with nothing but a great deal of empty regret. 

Uh oh…what if we find ourselves in a place where we’ve already played or discarded the wrong cards?  Well, that, too is part of the game of life and it's something we’ve all done.  It's also one of the primary reasons one should never count their money while sitting at the table.  The game isn’t over until The Dealer says it is.  Realize that we all win some and we all lose some, and that no hand is ever going to be perfect, especially when we're playing this game of life with other gamblers who are as imperfect as we are. All any of us can do is do the best we can do with what we’ve got to work with and do it within the context of what we’ve been dealt. 

Don't ever forget, either, that if one should find they're on a train bound for nowhere, that it is always within all of our power to pull the emergency brake, stop the train, and hop on a different one, this time as an engineer rather than a drifter.  We just have to be willing to do it…and realize that nothing will ever be like it was before because we’ll never be the same as we were before.  Different isn’t always a bad thing, though.  Quite often, it ends up being better than before.  Once we’re finally there, it also doesn't take much to realize we ended up where we are because of the experiences we’ve had and how we've dealt with them.

At the end of the day, regardless of what train we're on, the best that any of us can hope for out of this deal really is “to die in our sleep.”  Well, ok, I believe that's only part of it. I’ll take that one step further.  The best that I can hope for is to die in my sleep – used up, worn out, having done all I can with what's placed in my stewardship, learned all I can, and enjoyed the journey, even with all it's twists and turns and lumps and bumps.  And when that day comes when I finally meet The Dealer on the other side, I want to hear Him say “Well done, my good and faithful servant. Enter into my rest.”  That is enough. Everything else is either just fluff or a means of getting to that point.

So when he'd finished speakin', he turned back towards the window,
Crushed out his cigarette and faded off to sleep.
And somewhere in the darkness the gambler, he broke even.
But in his final words I found an ace that I could keep.

You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em,
Know when to walk away and know when to run.
You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table.
There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealin's done.